Rewind to Feb 2016 and my post on Facebook ..My Musical Journey..a chapter in my life and now .. yet another fresh journey.
October 2021, a game changer in my life. Health problems that put me into deep depression adding to my already anxious, worried mind.
2019 ..Two girls who have grown and flown the nest at last, but no regrets. Yet their independence not full and the umbilical cord still holding by a fine thread.
The pandemic brought with it more anxiety, losing the fallback of catching up with friends to unburden my fears and anxiety, as a small solace.
And 2 years of intermittent lockdown, and living in such a historic time, did not help in bringing sanity.
But yes, nagging health issues, not able to pinpoint problems, made me introspect. Is my constant negativity playing havoc with my physical health? I have always considered myself a positive person and a fighter with a never say die attitude. When did I change to become someone I didnt recognise.
And I concluded, I have forgotten all the things that kept me happy and engaged..books, poetry, debates, podcasts, music, travel etc ..
Instead, I was caught in the everyday humdrum of cooking;..not exactly my fav pastime; obsessive cleaning and throwing out clutter, and clutter that I am unable to throw out that gets on my nerves..a never ending spiral.
Introspection and Nostalgia…to the times when my mind and heart would be buried deep in some book, ears closed to the outside world. And sometimes ears open, but eyes closed as I had listened to favourite melodies and recall a peppy dance number in my mind.
The child in me so positive never believing anything negative would touch me ..where and when did I lose that innocence and happiness.
The burden of of years of marriage, holding the responsibility of family, children, finance,etc had slowly left its mark on me stroke by stroke. And still not finished, as I finely balance finances and household expenses and yet try to think of lessening the burden of my grown up kids.
Introspect..Will I ever let go of the reins that have chafed my hands and bruised them. Will I ever be able to be rid of such burdens.
And suddenly like a flash, it strikes me. Why worry what happens after I am dead and gone. Those who survive after me will have to manage and whether they do it well or fail at it,..thankfully, I will not know . And isn’t that just great.
And suddenly the chains of bondage fall away and I feel free to fly, to do whatever I want.
WHATEVER I WANT
The child in me wanted to skip and dance and I didn’t care if no else liked it.
And a new journey began. Dance waltzed into my life.
I have always enjoyed watching dance videos on the Internet. Waltz and ballet, thanks to English movies,along with bharatanatyam and freestyle that held me spellbound. But shyness and social circles held me back in tapping my feet in public. But dancing at a niece’s wedding evening gave the first push towards change.
But many things also played a part in bringing me closer to dance.
Out of touch with longtime friends in the pandemic made me search for new friends to expand my interests and I began the search for online friends in unlikely places, Groups and and apps.
Facebook the first social media platform had become passe.
Instagram ..my account idle for so long.. was a first choice. As I browsed and followed mental health issues on it, I clawed my way back to positivity.
And lo and behold there was someone offering a free one week trial for freestyle dance . And I was hooked for life.
Hands and feet and hips moving to a peppy number brought untold joy and a physical workout that kept the blood coursing afresh through my viens, and a happy smile throughout the day. What joy!
And poetry came back too, as I began to pen them as fast as they flashed in my mind.
The dance group brought me so many friends with varied interests and talents. And now my circle of friends is ever expanding.
And yes this post would not be complete if I forget to mention my entry into Tinder and Bumble app trying to make friends! Of course hiding my face and name under a pseudonym! A safety net indeed.
And the inspiration to restart ..writing poems and blogs .. came out of this daring entry into these so-called dating apps!
And now here I am, having found the child in me, Always positive, joyous and ever eager to learn, ..New hobbies, new books, new music, new tech and new friends. No longer afraid of present or future.